


These Feelings We Share

by Lil_leels



Series: Glimmer Verse! [2]
Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: But not always, F/F, I'm incapable of writing anything else apparently, It starts heavy, Slow Burn, Soul Mate AU, There will be a happy ending, glimmer verse, it's occasionally canonical, it's pretty, platonic soul mates, romantic soul mates, some canon deaths will be ignored
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-28 17:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30143103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_leels/pseuds/Lil_leels
Summary: Maura and Jane share a lot of things, they're best friends afterall. But there are some things they don't share. There are some things they can't share. And not sharing those things with Jane breaks Maura's heart.
Relationships: Maura Isles/Jane Rizzoli
Series: Glimmer Verse! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204025
Comments: 82
Kudos: 65





	1. Shared Pain

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: graphic description of Hoyt's assault on Jane, descriptions of pain
> 
> Welcome to the Glimmer Verse! :) It's sparkly and shiny. I'll post full 'rules' eventually but for now all you need to know is that everyone has a light beneath their skin. When that person touches someone significant to them, they form glimmers or light bonds. They begin to share their unique colors with the other person. Children are alway white colored (the color of all lights together) until they mature into their own color. Very powerful glimmers can also form secondary bonds. Which is my way of saying I didn't want to choose a soul mate au to live within so we're doing bits of them all! 
> 
> In this one, Maura's secondary glimmer is that she can feel Jane's physical pain. And because the universe is the ultimate shipper, it gives her this glimmer at a very young age.

The first time Maura can remember feeling someone else’s pain, she was five. Maura had been sitting quietly in her place during story time, enraptured by her teacher’s voice even if Maura had already read this book. Pain flared in her knee and palms as though she had fallen down and skinned her knee. Maura had resisted crying out, staring at her hands.

The light that lived under Maura’s skin swirled around her palms and knee. Flaring lightly. Maura had frowned. The light had never done that before. The pain faded nearly as soon as it had arrived, her lights settling peacefully once more. It had scared her. 

By seven, Maura has grown accustomed to her person’s bumps and bruises. The occasional flare of a stubbed toe or the collision of a shin with a table. It was fleeting and common enough to be boring. Mundane. Then they break their arm. Maura had cried in pain, clutching her left arm close to her body. Her mother had been alarmed enough to call the doctor. After x-rays and a very long discussion, the doctor confirmed what Maura had known all along. Maura had developed a glimmer bond that was manifesting itself through shared pain. Maura would not, could not, actually be wounded through the bond but she would feel their pain. There was no cure, no alternative. The doctor had put her arm in a sling, mostly as a placebo. Maura had spent days protecting her left side, trying not to whimper. But like the rest, in time, the ache faded. 

At twelve, Maura knows that her counterpart is an athlete. An athlete with a particular penchant for full contact sports. Maura spends half of her teenage years feeling as though she was colliding with walls. The other half she spends feeling as though those walls were colliding with her. Maura dreads Saturdays with a fierce hatred. 

In between icing injuries that Maura does not actually possess but she can feel, Maura wonders what sport they play and if they’ll ever stop. She wonders about concussions and broken bones. Maura’s fairly certain that feeling someone else’s injuries drives her to the medical field. One day, Maura reasons, she will meet this person whose pain she feels and when she would know what to do for them. She’d start with wrapping them in bubble wrap. 

If Maura thought high school was bad, college is worse. It takes Maura weeks,  _ weeks  _ to figure out where the pain even is. Her whole body is sore, tight, coiled tightly. Maura thinks it might be training for a marathon. Or an Ironman. Something equally demanding. She thinks that until her person takes up fighting as a personal hobby. 

At least, Maura assumes it’s a hobby as it happens like clockwork at 10 am every Tuesday and Thursday. Fists collide with her body, pelting her ribs, her arms, and on occasion her face. After one particularly strong punch to the jaw, Maura decides that when she meets her person she would have words for them. Strong, strong words. Maura was going to unleash every bit of wrath she can manage on this poor unsuspecting soul and  _ then  _ she was going to wrap them tightly in bubble wrap, lock them in a padded room and never permit them within arms length of anything sharp, blunt or moving again. Maura’s not at all certain she wants to meet the masochistic soul who had spent the better part of the last two decades putting  _ their  _ bodies through hell. 

Of course, Maura was assuming that they could feel her pain too and therein lay one of Maura’s problems. As she has yet to meet her person, Maura can’t actually confirm that this person knew what they were doing to Maura. There’s no guarantee that glimmer bonds or their secondary traits formed equally between people. Maura could be alone in her bond. Or at least, she could have an unrequited bond. That, Maura realises, might be her biggest fear. That Maura could have this deep and, ultimately, uncontrollable bond with a person who felt nothing for Maura in return. It’s a fear that Maura can neither prove nor dispel so Maura does what she does best. She puts it aside and focuses on her work. 

Maura graduates with her medical degree early. She travels the world with Doctors Without Borders. She meets hundreds of people. She even forms glimmers with some of them. Maura convinces herself that Ian was her person. He had to be. Maura had never been so swept up, so in love. She and Ian were good together. He made her laugh, made her happy. He excited her in a way no one else had. And then he had sprained an ankle, kicking a soccer ball with some of the village kids. It isn’t bad. It isn’t even enough to force Ian to stay off his feet. But Maura sobs. Weeps. Because she hadn’t felt a thing. He wasn’t her person. 

Maura knows, logically, that glimmer bonds could not dictate relationships. Maura knows that she could choose Ian. She and Ian shared a light bond. They were compatible, significant to each other. Even if they did not share Maura’s secondary trait. Maura would be lying to say she had not considered it. Maybe she even would have chosen Ian. In the end, Ian chose for them. He chose to leave and it had broken Maura’s heart. 

Maura had run then. Run to America. Run to Boston. Maura had interned with a medical examiner in medical school. They’d worked the September 11th attack together, flying to New York to help with the crisis. He was retiring and he wanted Maura to take his position. Maura had been surprised. Doubly so when the Governor agreed but she accepted. 

Maura is still finishing her state mandated training the night  _ it  _ happens. A young homicide detective is abducted by a serial killer that she and her team have been chasing. The entirety of the Boston Police Department is mobilised in the search. Dogs are called in. The current Chief Medical Examiner is called in to evaluate the scene along with the entire forensics team. Maura is left alone in the lab, not being authorised to be on scene yet. 

Maura hates being left behind. Hates feeling useless. She does her best to make herself useful. She neatens, organises and restocks. She’s just about to refill a jar of swabs when her glimmer flares. 

White hot pain pierces Maura’s palm. Maura can feel the blade cutting through her flesh and muscles. Maura screams in agony, dropping the swabs. She’s barely caught her breath when she feels the second blade pierce her other palm. Maura drops the jar she’s holding, the metal sound clanging through the empty room drowns out her second scream. Maura falls to her knees cradling her hands to her chest. 

Maura’s vision goes blurry and Maura wonders if she’s about to lose consciousness. She wonders if it’s even possible for her body to be physiologically affected by what was metaphysical pain. Maura doesn’t know how long she lays there before she feels the hot edge of a knife against her left wrist, then her right. Maura whimpers, sinking lower to the ground until she’s curled into a fetal position. She tries, fruitlessly, to protect her hands. There’s a cut to her left cheek, then to her right. Then the knife presses to Maura’s throat, tearing at the thin skin just over her jugular. It’s not deep enough, Maura realises. It’s a taunting cut. A promise of what was to come. 

Maura rolls onto her back, struggles to gasp in breaths. Struggles to calm her heart. For the first time in Maura’s life, she wonders if she really will meet the person whose pain she’s feeling. Because this? This was what dying felt like. Maura is certain of it. She sobs as she waits for the next press of that knife. Waits to feel it knick that tiny thrumming vein in her neck. Waits to feel the blood drain from not-her-neck. Waits for the pain to disappear because surely glimmer bonds did not transcend death. The pain would end when their brain stopped. When there was nothing left to be transmitted. 

But the knife doesn’t come. The pain doesn’t stop. Her mentor finds her curled in on herself later that night. He’s baffled at Maura’s state until Maura explains her glimmer. She tells him what she had experienced. The man had looked at her with sympathy and concern on his face before he told her what the detective had experienced. Then he tells Maura the one thing that no one before him had been able to. He gives Maura the name of her light bond. The person whose pain she’s been feeling for nearly three decades. Detective Jane Rizzoli. 


	2. Introductions, at last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another thing about light bonds, you can always see your own light when you want but you can only see the light bonds on someone else if you share a bond with them. There are a few exceptions (whom you'll meet later) but in general. 
> 
> Also light bonds only determine that someone is significant to you. Not what their significance can be.

Detective Rizzoli is out for months. Maura is grateful to hear she’s doing physical therapy, Maura doesn’t even mind sharing her pain when those sessions happen. Even if it meant Maura was temporarily robbed of the use of her own hands. Maura finds she doesn’t care. Maura had never thought she’d be grateful to feel someone else’s pain but Maura figured that pain meant Jane was still alive. Still out there, waiting for Maura to meet her, one day. 

Jane’s return to BPD overlaps with a statewide review of every medical examiner in Massachusetts. Maura is gone for more than a month, meeting every examiner in every county, no matter how far out. She’d spent weeks sleeping in hotels, compiling lists for training, supplies, and more. She’s exhausted by the time she returns. Exhausted and nervous. Maura has no idea what to say to Jane, ‘Hello, I’ve felt your every injury for the last 29 years. So sorry you were assaulted a few months ago. That really sucked and I felt every minute of it. Please refrain from further injuries.’ 

Maura shuffles her feet in the coffee line when she hears shouting. Maura looks up to a dark haired woman, dressed in a working girl’s outfit. She’s stamping a foot and yelling at the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll get you later, I’m starving! You know I’m good for it!’ 

‘I would never! I don’t know anything about you!’ Stanley says in mock offense. Maura rolls her eyes because Stanley absolutely would but he was also exactly the type to try and shame the woman for her profession. 

Maura hurries forward, offering a bill to Stanley. Before Maura can explain herself, the woman snaps, ‘do you mind? You can have your non-fat latte in a second.’ 

‘Oh, actually it’s for you,’ Maura says with a smile. ‘You should really consider getting some plain yogurt and some leafy greens, perhaps an orange or two,’ Maura says, indicating the woman's cup of coffee and donut, ‘you likely have a vitamin deficiency as a result of the nocturnal nature of your work.’ 

‘I have my lice under control, thank you very much,’ the woman says with an eye roll, ‘but Stanley here has psoriasis.’ 

‘Oh,’ Maura says smiling at the man behind the counter, ‘well psoriasis is a genetic condition and it isn’t contagious.’ 

‘Is rudeness?’ the woman shoots back at Maura. 

Maura blinks once, twice, before realising the woman was talking about her, ‘oh well I was simply trying to be nice.’ 

‘Yeah, well,’ the woman says, ‘not every hooker has a heart of gold  _ sister _ .’ She turns away from Maura and the extended bill. 

Maura sets the bill down on the counter for Stanley to take instead and retorts, ‘apparently not, _ sister.’  _

The woman whirls to retort to Maura but is interrupted by Detective Vince Korsak. Maura had met the man previously and she quite liked him. ‘Here you are Jane,’ Korsak says with relief, ‘oh and I see you met the Doc! Morning Doc!’ 

‘Doc?’ Jane says whirling on Maura. 

‘Jane?’ Maura says feeling the blood leave her face, ‘Detective Rizzoli?’ 

‘The one and only,’ Korsak says with a grin, ‘you’re catching her on one of her fancier days. Had an undercover sting as a call girl.’ Korsak’s eyes twinkle mischievously. 

‘So you’re not…’ Maura says blushing furiously. 

‘A hooker?’ Jane says with a snort, ‘no.’ 

Korsak laughs, ‘well at least you know you’ve still got it kid.’ He slaps Jane on the back. ‘This here is Doctor Maura Isles, our new Chief Medical Examiner.’ 

‘She any good?’ Jane asks, still eyeing Maura warily. 

Maura straightens her back and offers a polite and professional smile, ‘one of the best. The coffee is on me. Consider it an apology.’ Maura walks away then, head held high even if she was dying inside. 

_ That  _ was not how she was supposed to meet Jane Rizzoli. Maura wasn’t romantic enough to hope for some meet cute with instant recognition but she had been hoping to not be utterly and completely humiliated the first time they met. 

Maura is spared any outgoing calls for the day, managing to avoid Detective Rizzoli by staying downstairs in her office and labs. It’s a small mercy. Or it was until there’s a knock on Maura’s door in the middle of the afternoon. 

Detective Jane Rizzoli stood in her office doorway, holding two cups of coffee and a contemplative look. ‘Truce?’ Jane asks holding up the coffee, ‘can I come in? I think we got off on the wrong foot.’ Jane is dressed in plain black trousers, a pale pink button up, and a black jacket. It’s a far cry from the outfit with fishnet stockings she had been wearing earlier.

‘That’s a Shakespearean phrase that implies a moral difference between feet. It was written in the play  _ King John _ to put the better foot forward which implicitly implies there’s a wrong foot to put forward but the actual phrase citing a wrong foot forward wasn’t cited until 1595,’ Maura babbles, ‘it’s thought to have religious, superstitious, and possibly militaristic origins. As much of the human species is right handed, there are many cultures and beliefs that believe being left handed, or left footed, in this case, was evil.’ Jane raises an eyebrow at this, taking a small sip of the coffee in her left hand. ‘The Roman Catholic church actually directly considered the left side to be sinister and is responsible for the barbaric practices of forcing left handed people to use their right hands instead. Of course, they likely developed this superstition from the Greek who considered it unlucky to step with your left foot onto the floor first or to don your left shoe first. Then, of course,’ Maura continues, ‘there’s also the militaristic perspective that marching begins right foot forward first and to step with your left first would put you out of sync with your compatriots, which for a Roman soldier who depended on interlocking shields to defend themselves from enemy archers, that would have been a very deadly mistake indeed.’ 

When Maura pauses to breathe Jane says, ‘so that’s a yes?’ She walks into Maura’s office setting the cup in her right hand in front of Maura. ‘I’ll keep the sinister one,’ Jane says wiggling her eyebrows. 

‘Oh,’ Maura says breathily, ‘I didn’t mean, I meant,  _ I  _ don’t believe that people who are left handed are sinister. That’s a superstition. Left handed people are simply genetically predisposed to it. It is no more sinister than having blue eyes or brown hair. Of course,’ Maura says with a small frown, ‘there are also several superstitions regarding red haired people.’ Maura frowns and watches Jane take another sip of her coffee. 

‘Oh,’ Jane asks after swallowing, ‘were you done now? I kinda wanted to see how long you could go for.’ Maura thinks there’s a hint of teasing. 

‘I apologise,’ Maura says grabbing her own coffee and taking a sip, ‘I ramble when I get nervous.’ 

Jane’s eyes seem to soften then, ‘you don’t need to be nervous Doctor Isles. Let’s just forget about this morning, alright. My name’s Jane Rizzoli but you can just call me Jane.’ She holds out a hand to shake. Maura’s not certain if the detective is messing with her when Jane extends her left hand instead of her right. Maura nibbles on her bottom lip, certain of what would happen when she took that hand. She hesitates a moment too long. Jane frowns and drops her hand, ‘sorry about the scars. I didn’t think….’ Jane shoves a hand through her hair nervously. 

‘Oh,’ Maura says, ‘I didn’t even notice.’ It was the truth. Maura hadn’t looked, hadn’t seen them. She didn’t need to. Not when she could feel them in her own palms. ‘I was trying to figure out if you were teasing me. You offered your left hand. I…’ Maura’s voice falters, ‘I don’t read people very well.’ 

Jane grins at her, ‘I was messing with you a little. But I’m also left handed.’ 

‘Oh,’ Maura says, then figuring she might as well get it over with, Maura extends her own left hand to shake. ‘I’m Maura.’ 

Jane’s grin grows bigger, two dimples appearing on her cheeks and she takes Maura’s hand. Light flares, a glimmer bond forming between them. Jane’s eyes open wide in surprise. Maura, who had been expecting it, watched as tendrils of Jane’s warm amber brown color flared under Maura’s skin. She can see her own hazel color blossoming on Jane. ‘Oh,’ Jane says, ‘well that’s interesting.’ 

Maura offers a small, shy smile. ‘You’re colorful,’ Maura says gesturing to the rainbow of colors that made up Jane’s light, ‘big family?’ 

It draws a throaty chuckle from Jane, ‘yep. Big and Italian. Plus my brothers and sisters in blue. Work with someone long enough in this job and you’re bound to develop a few glimmers.’ 

‘Mmm,’ Maura says with a smile, ‘it’s beautiful.’ 

‘Thank you,’ Jane says, a blush coloring her cheeks. ‘So rumour has it you’re the best Chief Medical Examiner Boston’s ever had.’ 

Maura chuckles, ‘I highly doubt that but I am good at what I do.’ 

‘And humble too, I see,’ Jane teases with a roguish grin. 

Maura blushes and shrugs, ‘I’m making an honest assessment of my skill.’ 

Jane laughs, ‘so long as you’re better than Pike, we’ll get on just fine.’ 

Maura’s brow furrows, ‘what’s wrong with Doctor Pike?’ 

‘You haven’t worked a scene with him yet have you?’ Jane says scrunching her face up in disgust. 

‘No,’ Maura affirms with a head shake and another sip of her coffee, ‘typically only one ME is required at a scene.’ 

‘Well,’ Jane says with a sigh, ‘let’s just say I’m going to make sure all my shifts overlap with yours.’ 

‘Do you not get along with Doctor Pike?’ Maura asks, still confused. 

‘He’s incompetent and slow,’ Jane says with a shrug, ‘honestly not sure how he hasn’t been fired yet. He’s blown entire cases before.’ 

Maura frowns, ‘I’ll have to look into that.’ 

‘You do that,’ Jane says with a shrug, then she grins and adds, ‘but if you do decide to fire him, please let me be there when you do it?’ 

‘That would be highly unethical,’ Maura says with a deeper frown, ‘not to mention unprofessional.’ 

‘Yeah,’ Jane says with a dimpled grin and an eyebrow wiggle, ‘but it would make me happy.’ 

Maura’s heart races, she inhales sharply. It’s in that moment that Maura realises she would do a lot of things to make Jane Rizzoli happy. That terrifies her. She barely knows Jane. They’d just met. And yet Maura could categorically list every significant injury Jane had ever had. Maura could describe in intimate detail every hurt Jane had ever experienced. Including her recent assault. So, yes, Maura would do just about anything to make Jane happy. ‘I,’ Maura begins quietly, ‘I’ll have to evaluate him for myself first, of course.’ 

‘Of course,’ Jane says with a smile, ‘I wouldn’t want you to fire someone on hearsay. Well,’ Jane says pouting ‘maybe I wouldn’t mind if you fired Pike on hearsay but you still probably shouldn’t do that.’ 

‘No,’ Maura says tilting her head to look at Jane. She was confusing. A heady mix of kind and mischievous. Abrasive and yet elusive. She was intelligent, quick witted, sharp and Maura is taken in. Jane flexes her hands and Maura winces. ‘You shouldn’t be back yet,’ Maura says without thinking. 

‘Excuse you?’ Jane says head snapping up to look at Maura. 

‘You’re still in pain,’ Maura says quietly gesturing at Jane’s hands. It’s not a guess, Maura has been feeling it all day. ‘You can hardly hold a pen in your condition. How did you even pass your firearms exam?’ 

For a moment, only a moment, Jane looks like she’s going to snap. Her eyebrows snap together in anger and Maura can see heat in her eyes. And then it just… dissipates. Sorrow fills the other woman’s face, ‘every cop has injuries Maura. Some of them don’t ever go away. If you want to stay a cop, especially a woman cop, you work through it. You hide it. You never let them know that it hurts.’ 

‘You could injure them worse by being back too soon,’ Maura supplies quietly.

Jane sighs, ‘I’ll be careful. I’m doing the exercises and keeping it light.’ 

Maura bites her tongue, refuses to say anything more, even if she does disagree. Even if she would feel it. So much for wrapping her person up in bubble tape, Maura thinks to herself. Jane was a grown woman, a grown woman who was a hero for the people of Boston. Maura had no right to dictate her actions. ‘Alright,’ Maura says, ‘but if you need any help, I hope you won’t hesitate to let me know.’ Maura doesn’t add that she would know anyways. She doesn’t want to add herself to Jane’s guilt. 

‘I will,’ Jane says a look of confusion on her face. ‘I wouldn’t normally ask but uh, given the glimmer and what not… would you like to grab drinks after work? Me and a couple of the guys usually grab drinks after our cases.’ 

‘Oh,’ Maura says frowning at the coffee in her hand. ‘I don’t know.’ 

‘It’ll be fun,’ Jane says bouncing slightly in her seat. ‘No pressure. Just drinks.’ There’s a slight whine in her voice, enough that on a lesser person Maura might consider it begging but not on Jane. 

Maura sighs and offers Jane a small smile, ‘I suppose a few drinks wouldn’t hurt.’ 

‘Great!’ Jane says jumping from her seat with a smile, ‘you won’t regret it! Want to give me your number and I’ll text you all the details later?’ 

Maura lets out a teasing grin, ‘was this all just a ruse to get my phone number Detective Rizzoli?’ 

Jane blushes a bright red and sputters, ‘what? No? I was just… I mean… I would need your number eventually… but I wasn’t… I don’t….’ 

‘Jane?’ Maura says stopping the other woman, ‘I was messing with you.’ She offers a bright smile and Jane lets out an audible sigh that Maura doesn’t know how to interpret. 

‘Right,’ Jane says, then she passes her unlocked phone over, ‘if you don’t mind.’ She shows her palms and wiggles her fingers in explanation. For the first time Maura can see the full extent of Jane’s scars. She doesn’t let her eyes linger, however. She programs her number in and then texts herself. Maura passes the phone back to Jane with a warm smile. ‘So,’ Jane says, ‘I’ll, uh, see you tonight?’ 

‘Yes,’ Maura agrees, ‘I’ll see you tonight.’ Jane is almost to the door when Maura remembers something, ‘and Jane?’ 

‘Yeah Maura?’ Jane asks, turning in the doorway. 

‘Thank you for the coffee,’ Maura says holding up her cup. 

Jane offers one more dimpled smile before disappearing down the hall, taking Maura’s breath with her. Maura drops her head into her hands and wills her heart beat to calm itself. She’s almost got herself under control when Jane walks into a corner, the left side of Maura’s hip flaring in momentary pain. Maura can’t help the chuckle that bursts from her lips then at the sheer ridiculousness of the moment. 


	3. Faith and Excuses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: graphic description of a kidnapping (Hoyt's apprentice from ep. 1), description of injury, suffering of a loved one
> 
> Apparently this is a CLIFF HANGER

Maura spends the first several months of her friendship with Jane trying to find a way to tell the lanky woman about their secondary bond. Or to at least trying to find out if Jane felt her pain as well. That answer comes almost four months after they become friends. 

Maura walks directly into a door while talking to Jane and the other woman does not so much as flinch. Jane was exceptional at hiding her pain, Maura knew. She didn’t think that even Jane was capable of hiding that pain. Jane, it seemed, did not share Maura’s secondary glimmer. Maura was alone in her affections. 

Nearly a year into their friendship, Jane breaks her nose. Maura feels the sickening crunch as she’s performing an autopsy and lets out a litany of curse words that only the dead would hear, tears streaking down her face. Maura is completely unsurprised when Jane shows up to the crime scene two hours later a bruise blossoming over her slender features. Jane asks Maura to reset it. 

‘This is going to hurt,’ Maura warns, grinding her own teeth against the coming pain. She pinches Jane’s nose and tweaks ever so slightly. She feels the cartilage shift, feels it grate, before it pops into its proper place. Jane’s eyes water as Maura releases Jane’s nose. Maura whirls away and swipes at her own eyes. 

‘Mother!’ Jane curses, blinking back tears. 

Maura ducks away, letting the Detective rant in relative peace. Of course, if Maura had known what would transpire over that case, Maura wouldn’t have let Jane out of her line of sight at all. Jane’s world is flipped upside down by the apprentice of the man who had driven scalpels through Jane’s palms. Jane had shown up at her door, late one night, terror written on her face. At least, Maura assumes it’s terror because that’s how Maura felt. Terrified that someone was after Jane. Terrified that Jane would be hurt again. 

Maura had invited Jane in. Had offered shelter and comfort. A refuge away from the world where no one, not even Charles Hoyt’s apprentice could find Jane. Maura had done her level best to make Jane safe. Maura knew she wasn’t alone in it. Maura knew Detectives Frost and Korsak were too. She knew Jane had a rotating volunteer patrol outside of her home. All of BPD had banded together to take care of one of their own, it was what they did. Jane’s family was too. 

But it was Maura who felt the volts of electricity setting every nerve on fire in Jane’s body. Maura, through Detective Korsak, who alerted every officer in the city to Jane’s second abduction. Maura feels the press of a scalpel to her neck. Hoyt has a thing for symmetry. He marks the opposite side of Jane’s neck this time, the side he missed last time. Fear practically paralyses Maura. And then she feels Jane’s body burning and Maura can barely think. She just keeps waiting for it to end. For it all to end. And then Korsak is calling. Telling her that they got them. Telling her Jane is safe, injured but alive, and home once more. 

Maura has to see her. Maura has to see Jane with her own eyes. Maura needs to see Jane, needs to run her fingers through wild dark hair, feel her warm skin over a fluttering heart beat. Maura needs to hear Jane breathing. Maura’s never been a tactile learner before but Maura is certain that her heart won’t calm until she’s  _ experienced _ the totality of Jane living. Which is how she ends up at Jane’s door, hoping against hope that even if the detective turns Maura away, it will be enough. 

Jane doesn’t turn her away though. Jane never turns Maura away. Not over wealthy friends or marathon uniforms with horrible acronyms, not over hot yoga or secret health foods. Jane proves to have an unshakeable and unchangeable faith in Maura and their friendship. Jane has a confidence in the permanence of their relationship that Maura envies, a confidence and ease with the designations of fate.

Maura could talk at length about the function of glimmers. She could explain the biological processes and how they were linked to bioluminesce, pheromones, and wavelengths. If there was a paper written, research done, Maura had studied it. But no amount of science could yet explain who, how or why people matched. Not geneticists, not immunologists, not psychologists, not sociologists. Everyone seemed to have a piece of the puzzle but no one could picture it fully. No one had yet made predictive or repeatable results. That bothered Maura.

‘Don’t you ever wonder why we glimmer with certain people?’ Maura had asked one evening, swirling the wine in her glass. She’s tucked into her corner of the couch, feet tucked neatly beneath her, buried under a blanket, and just intoxicated enough to feel vulnerable and raw. She stares at Jane over the deep burgundy of her liquid courage. 

‘Sure,’ Jane says with a half shrug and an easy grin. Jane was a beer or two ahead of Maura, relaxed and perfectly open to suggestions. ‘It’s wicked to think that the Universe or God or whoever knows who will be significant to us before we do.’ 

Maura frowns swirling the liquid in her glass, watching the droplets climb. ‘What if there isn’t a system. What if it’s all just meaningless interactions?’ 

Jane frowns back at Maura. Her eyebrows scrunched together and her lips downturned. Maura, not for the first time, feels the urge to straddle Jane’s lap and kiss that brow, the corners of those lips until Jane’s dimples reappear. She settles for taking another sip. ‘What d’ya mean?’ Jane asks finally. 

‘What if,’ Maura says carefully, ‘we have a random pairing, a happy coincidence between people, and then we try to put meaning on it. Most of society thinks having a light bond gives the relationship significance but what if we make the relationship significant because we formed a light bond?’ 

‘Not possible,’ Jane says sipping her beer with confidence. 

‘You don’t know that,’ Maura says feeling vaguely horrified at Jane’s grasping of the scientific process, ‘you couldn't possibly know that.’ 

Jane shrugs and sets her beer down on the coffee table, ‘no I can’t prove it in a way that’s satisfying for your big science-y brain but  _ I  _ can know it.’ 

Maura tilts her head to the left, evaluating the woman beside her quizzically, ‘that does not make any sense Jane.’ Maura offers at last. 

Jane laughs, ‘someone, somewhere, once said, probably, that science is just providing data for common sense observations. Just think about it Maura. We’ve known lots of stuff long before we had the data to prove it.’ 

Maura shakes her head, ‘you’re going to have to elaborate.’ 

‘Alright,’ Jane says, shaking her head lightly. She was getting excited, her movements charged with energy so uniquely Jane. ‘The sun. Humans have known for pretty much forever that the sun is important. We knew it mattered to us. We knew we needed it and that animals needed it and that plants needed it. We knew it made life possible. Before we knew what the sun was, we knew it mattered. Finding out its giant ball of fire doesn’t change that.’ Jane smirks at Maura, pleased at making her point. 

‘The sun is actually a rather medium sized star,’ Maura corrects automatically, ‘and it isn’t fire. It’s actually much, much hotter than fire.’ Jane rolls her eyes at Maura. ‘But,’ Maura yields, ‘I suppose you are correct in this instance.’ 

‘Of course I am,’ Jane says with a wink that does things to Maura, things she does not allow herself to indulge in. ‘I don’t know how or why or even who makes the glimmers work but I know they do. Whatever the system, whatever the reason, it works. You just have to trust in it, you know?’ 

‘So it’s a kind of faith?’ Maura asks tentatively. 

Jane laughs, ‘sorta. It’s just… you know… trusting your place in the universe.’ 

‘Not all glimmers have happy endings,’ Maura points out. Maura can see the orange of Ian’s glimmer on her flicker brighter for a moment. 

‘No,’ Jane says sadly, ‘they don't. We’re still humans. Still free to fuck it all up.’ She pats Maura’s knee in a kind of sympathetic solidarity. 

‘So how do you trust yourself or other humans to not mess up your place in the universe?’ Maura asks, genuinely curious. 

Jane chuckles darkly, ‘I guess I don’t. I expect it to get messed up. I expect things to go wrong but I guess… I trust that the universe is a little like you. It has contingency plans for its contingency plans.’ That makes Maura laugh, even if she is vaguely uncomfortable being compared to the universe. ‘I like thinking that no matter what, there are people out there who I belong to. People I belong with,’ Jane admits quietly, ‘I know that sounds cheesy and if you tell anyone I told you this I’ll tell the world how much you spend on your panda poop tea.’ 

Maura laughs throatily at that. Not because it was an empty threat, Maura had no doubt that Jane would gleefully tell the world the embarrassing price of Maura’s favorite tea. No, Maura laughed because anyone who knew Jane, really knew her, knew Jane was a bit of a romantic. Jane had faith in people, in the universe, in fate. Underneath all the layers of sass and cynicism, Jane still believed in the good things. It was what made her a good cop. She fought for the good, for the better, for the victims, and for the heros. 

‘Besides,’ Jane says, ‘how could I doubt the universe when it gave me a friendship with you?’ Jane’s cheek colour a pretty red, her brown eyes twinkling lightly. 

Maura nibbles her lower lip, uncertain how to respond. Maura loves Jane. Loves their friendship. Loves that they belong together. Maura loves how much of Jane’s brown she wears in her glimmer, loves seeing her own hazel reflected back on Jane. And if that were all of it, Maura might have been able to agree readily. But the universe had given Maura the ability to feel Jane’s pain. A bond Jane did not share. It was a glimmer bond so strong it defied scientific explanation. A bond so strong that Maura had been half in love with Jane long before they met. Which was the other part of Maura’s problem. Maura loves Jane, yes, but Maura is also in love with Jane. Maura is head over heels, wildly, crazily, in love with Jane. And Jane is woefully straight. Completely oblivious. Which is why Maura hesitates. 

Maura knows, knows on an instinctual level, that she belongs with Jane. She belongs to Jane. Everything in the universe seemed to be telling her that much. But Jane? Jane’s place was not with  _ her  _ and Maura doesn’t know how to rectify that. She cannot science her way out of the conundrum. If the universe had contingency plans for it’s contingency plans then Maura has to wonder if the universe’s contingency plan for her was to be alone. Maura offers Jane a smile and notes how late it is. She invites Jane to stay. She always invites Jane to stay. And Jane does. Jane always stays. Confident in her place in the universe, in their friendship. And Maura remains just as confused and conflicted as ever. 

It isn’t that Maura is trying to hide her connection with Jane. She’s not and Maura knows one day, something will happen and Jane will realise that Maura can feel her every pain. No, Maura’s problem, is that she doesn’t know how to tell Jane about her secondary trait without telling Jane everything. So Maura doesn’t and the longer she doesn’t the more it seems like a betrayal and the more desperate Maura is to hide it. It’s a vicious, horrible cycle. One that Maura doesn’t know how to break. 

And then Jane shoots herself. 


	4. Shared Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: choking, gunshot wounds, surgery and recovery, shared pain 
> 
> I apologise for somehow not realising the last chapter ended on a cliffhanger and failed to warn you! My sincerest apologies! 
> 
> Also I posted a list of 'glimmer verse rules' that explains how glimmers work in the 'series' portion of this work, if you're interested!

Detective Clark is pressing so tightly on Jane’s windpipe that Maura can barely breath as she chases after Jane. He drags her to the elevator, his gun pressed close to her temple. Maura waits only long enough for the doors to swing closed before she lunges for the stairwell, she takes them two at a time. Maura will find blisters on her feet later, the consequences of outright sprinting up stairs in shoes meant for admiring. She doesn’t feel it in the moment. Not when Jane is struggling to breath. Maura hits the lobby just as she feels Jane’s wrist twist uncomfortably. Maura doesn’t stop. Doesn’t consider the implications. She can’t. If she stops to think about the way Clark is hurting Jane,  _ her  _ Jane, then Maura would collapse. So she lunges forward, just through the doorway of BPD. 

A lone gunshot rings out but Maura doesn’t hear it because she can feel her body being torn apart as the bullet passes through Jane in less than a heartbeat. For a moment, Maura thinks she is going to collapse. Every nerve on her body is aflame. Anguish. Jane is in absolute anguish and Maura doesn’t know if she has the strength to help her. Maura watches with horror as Jane staggers away from Danny, gun in hand. Maura watches her fall, first to her knees, in some attempt to control herself, then to her face. Maura’s aware of the stinging of her palms as they reflexively catch Jane. Maura cries out, determined that  _ that  _ pain would not be the last thing the pair of them feel together. And then, almost as quickly as the pain had started, it disappears. 

Maura’s stomach drops, her heart races. Maura moves without realising it. She screams Jane’s name without hearing. Maura couldn’t feel Jane’s pain and that, more than anything else, tells Maura how close she is to losing Jane. Maura reaches Jane first. Before Korsak or Frost, before the medics. Maura reaches Jane and the world slows down. Time seems to stop as Maura feels for a pulse. Eternity must pass between heartbeats but then Maura feels it. The stubborn thumping of Jane’s heart. Maura gets to work, her hands tearing at Jane’s clothes, finding the wound, slowing the bleeding. Stabilising. Stabilising her soul mate. 

Maura rides with Jane to the hospital, keeping the lanky woman stable until the surgical unit could take her. Maura stays by Jane’s side until she can’t anymore. Then Maura stands at Jane’s door, peering it as a team of green scrubbed people move around Jane. Someone, a nurse probably, tries to move Maura. Tries to pull her away. Maura ignores them, eyes focused on the steady rise and fall of Jane’s chest. 

Maura doesn’t move until Jane comes out of surgery, as healthy as a recently shot human can be. Then, and only then, Maura allows a nurse to pull her away. Maura changes into a pair of borrowed scrubs, throwing her blood soaked clothes into the hazardous waste bin. She washes her hands, scrubs her face, tugs her sweat soaked hair up into a messy ponytail. Maura stares at her own reflection. She’s pale, probably from a combination of shock and not having eaten anything recently. Her eyes are a darker green than normal in these green hospital scrubs. Maura can feel her emotions beginning to swell. She’s tempted to give in. Tempted to fall apart except the pain in her side flares and that can mean only one thing. Jane was awake. For the second time that day, Maura breaks into a run, desperate to find Jane. 

‘Maura,’ Jane says as she peaks through her eyes, ‘it hurts.’ 

Maura is at her side in an instant, she brushes Jane’s hair, strokes her cheek. ‘That tends to happen when you shoot yourself,’ Maura says quietly. 

‘Sorry,’ Jane says softly, ‘Frankie…?’ 

‘He’s fine,’ Maura says because he probably was. He had made it to the hospital and was probably recovering on one of the other floors as they spoke, ‘he’s fine sweetie.’ 

Jane nods, her eyes squeezed closed at the exhaustion of moving, ‘thirsty.’ 

Maura grabs Jane’s chart. She gives it a once over before deciding Jane could safely have some water. She grabs a small cup and fills it quickly. ‘Here sweetie,’ Maura says helping tip the cup slightly so the cool liquid could soother Jane’s throat. 

Jane takes long slow sips, trying not to move, but Maura can feel the way even the slightest shift burns. When Jane leans back she whispers, ‘thanks.’ 

Maura squeezes Jane’s hand before turning to leave, ‘let me talk to the doctor about upping your medication, now that you’re awake.’ 

‘No,’ Jane says, eyes flying open. She grabs for Maura and hisses as pain flares on her left side. ‘Stay, please?’ 

Maura frowns but nods, ‘I’m not going anywhere Jane.’ Maura presses the call button attached to Jane’s bed. Jane closes her eyes again but not before she interlaces her fingers with Maura. Jane gulps as tears begin to fall. ‘Jane?’ Maura asks, worry in her voice, ‘what is it?’ 

‘I was so afraid,’ Jane says between sobs. 

‘Oh sweetie,’ Maura whispers, she presses a gentle kiss to Jane’s forehead, ‘it’s okay. You’re safe now.’ 

Jane sniffs then winces as her pain flares. ‘We’re safe now,’ Jane repeats more for herself than Maura. Maura doesn’t miss that Jane had included her in that phrase but she doesn’t have an answer or an explanation for it either. 

Jane is drifting by the time the nurse arrives. Maura has a hushed but spirited conversation about adjusting Jane’s pain medication, her hand holding fast to Jane’s. Maura doesn’t let go unless she has to. Jane is discharged a week and a half after she’s admitted. Maura does the only natural thing. She brings Jane home with her, where Maura can keep an eye on the wounded detective. 

Nights are the worst. Jane’s pain flares wildly, waking them both from the little drowsing they had been able to do. Jane’s muscles seem to spasm and then burn. Maura does what she can, gritting through her own mirrored pain. 

One morning, just over three weeks after the shooting, after a particularly rough night, Maura stands alone at the kitchen island drinking coffee. Jane, for once, was sleeping in and Maura had no intention of waking her. 

Angela knocks softly at the front door before entering. She whispers a hello that was still too loud to be a proper whisper. Maura thinks it's an Italian thing, the inability to whisper. Maura gives a small smile and pours Angela a cup of coffee. 

‘How is she?’ Angela asks sipping her coffee with a grateful hum. 

‘It was a rough night,’ Maura admits. She gulps down more caffeine, trying to counteract the effects of weeks of sleepless nights. 

‘Maybe you should take tonight off,’ Angela suggests, not for the first time, ‘get a proper night's rest. I can take care of Janie for the night.’ 

Maura hums noncommittally. They’ve had this argument before. It was becoming a part of their morning routine before Maura leaves for work. Angela’s worried for Maura, concerned she’s burning herself out. It’s sweet. But ultimately irrelevant. Maura wouldn’t be able to sleep through the shared pain but Angela doesn’t know that. Besides that, Maura also happens to know that nothing stresses Jane out more than being actively mothered by Angela and stress tends to aggravate Jane’s injury. So every morning, Angela offers and every morning Maura finds a polite way to decline. ‘Thank you Angela. I’ll let you know,’ is all Maura offers. 

Maura winces, flinching as Jane tries to stretch out. Angela notices, her eyes widening, ‘Maura?’ Angela says, her eyes piercing, ‘are you hurt honey?’ Maura hasn’t spoken a word but her throat is beginning to itch already. Hives. They were imminent. Angela must sense it too because her eyes dart to Maura’s throat, as though checking, before narrowing her eyes and threatening, ‘and don’t you dare lie to me.’ 

‘I’m,’ Maura considers her word choice, ‘a little tender.’ 

‘Tender?’ Angela asks, clearly wanting to push the issue, ‘did you hurt yourself trying to help Jane?’ 

Maura stares at her coffee, swirling it in her mug as she tries to find an acceptable answer, ‘it isn’t because I’ve been caring for her. It is an unrelated matter.’ The completely unrelated matter of caring for Jane, her soul mate. Maura feels another flash of heat in her side and then the thud of footfalls and Maura seizes the opportunity to change the subject, ‘that must be Jane!’ 

Angela glances briefly at the stairs as Jane’s feet come shuffling slowly into view. ‘Good morning Janie!’ Angela calls before shifting her focus back to Maura. 

Maura is diligently pouring Jane her own cup of coffee, ignoring the look Angela is giving her. ‘Hey Ma!’ Jane says, ‘how’s Pa?’ 

‘He’s fine,’ Angela says rolling her eyes, ‘working.’ 

Jane grunts in acknowledgement before grinning at Maura as she accepts her coffee. Her dimples make Maura’s heart beat faster. ‘Thanks Maur and good morning.’ 

‘Good morning Jane,’ Maura says, offering her own smile. She doesn’t ask how Jane slept. She doesn’t need to. 

Jane shuffles around Maura getting what she needs for her own breakfast. It was a compromise that Maura hated almost as much as Jane hated being ‘coddled.’ Jane reaches for a cereal bowl and Maura flinches in pain again as Jane hisses in pain. 

Angela, who had observed the whole thing, looks between the two women. Understanding seems to dawn on her slowly, her eyes go wide, her mouth dropping. Maura can see it written on her face and when she goes to speak, Maura cuts her off. ‘Angela?’ Maura asks firmly, ‘could we speak in private for a minute please?’ Angela blinks, surprised but nods. 

Jane pouts at that, ‘are you two talking about me? You’re conspiring. I know it. It’s bad enough I need a babysitter but now you’re colluding.’ 

Maura rolls her eyes, ‘actually I wanted to talk to her about me. Your mother has kindly offered to give me an evening off.’ Maura doesn’t say she’s already declined.Horror fills Jane’s face and Maura can see the taller woman’s pleading look. Maura knows it’s cruel but she has to be sure Jane won’t follow. 

Maura leads Angela to her home office and closes the door. To her credit, Angela actually tries to keep her voice low, ‘what was that?’ 

Maura inhales, counts to five, and then exhales. ‘Jane and I,’ Maura begins, ‘share a secondary trait.’ 

‘You do?’ Angela asks, eyes widening, ‘I had no idea.’ 

‘Neither does she,’ Maura explains, ‘as far as I know, it affects only me and I would rather not add any guilt to Jane’s shoulders at the moment.’ 

Angela’s brows furrow, ‘sharing a bond isn’t a burden Maura. It’s a gift. You and Jane are connected. You’re soul mates. How could that ever be a bad thing?’ 

‘It’s not,’ Maura says quickly, ‘but Jane might feel conflicted about this particular bond.’ Angela’s frown deepens but she doesn’t say anything. Maura sighs, ‘I can feel Jane’s pain.’ 

‘Oh,’ Angela says. It takes a moment and then it hits Angela, ‘oh! Maura honey!’ She reaches towards Maura with mothering hands only to stop herself because Maura doesn’t like to be touched. ‘You felt all of that?’ Maura considers elaborating but chooses not to traumatise Jane’s mother further, so she nods. ‘For how long?’ 

‘Since I was five,’ Maura says quietly. ‘She skinned her knee while my teacher was reading  _ Ramona Quimby _ .’ 

‘You felt her skin her knee?’ Angela asks in surprise. Maura nods again. ‘So you’ve felt every stubbed toe, every paper cut, every tackle since you were both babies?’ 

Maura sighs and nods, ‘yes. I have.’ 

Angela gasps, ‘you felt what that Hoyt monster did?’ Maura nods, looking away. She didn’t like talking about that. It was too private. Too painful. Too much like invading Jane’s personal nightmare and spilling it all out to her mother. ‘Maura,’ Angela moans, she reaches for Maura’s hand, squeezing before letting go quickly. 

‘Jane has no idea. I don’t think she can feel my pain,’ Maura offers, ‘and for the moment I would prefer to keep it that way.’ 

‘Of course honey,’ Angela says quickly. She means it to be reassuring but Maura can’t help but feel mistrustful of her. ‘Don’t people usually share these bonds? Why wouldn’t Janie feel your pain?’ 

Maura tries not to show how much that question hurts. Tries not to let it destroy her. ‘I don’t know. The science is incomplete and quite lacking on secondary glimmer traits. I’m certain one sided bonds must exist.’ 

Angela blinks in surprise. ‘Maura!’ Angela exclaims, ‘is that what you think this is? You think your feelings for Janie are one sided?’ Maura doesn’t respond. She doesn’t need to. Jane had made her lack of feelings clear over the last year and a half. ‘You’re wrong,’ Angela says when Maura doesn’t answer, ‘Janie loves you. She loves you more than words could ever say. I don’t know why the Universe gave you a bond and not Janie but it's not because Janie doesn’t care. She does. Maybe the Universe hoped that Janie knowing you were hurting when she was hurting would slow her down. Make her a little more cautious.’ 

Maura blinks. It was a hypothesis she hadn’t yet considered. ‘You mean,’ Maura says thinking through the ramifications, ‘this glimmer is meant to temper Jane?’ 

Angela laughs at that, ‘I don’t know about that. I’m not sure there’s a force strong enough in the world to temper our girl. But I do know if Janie knew you would feel it, she wouldn’t have shot herself in the stomach. She’d have found another way. Any other way to keep from hurting you.’ 

Guilt flashes in Maura’s heart. Was it possible she could have saved Jane from all of this by telling her? Had Maura hurt Jane indirectly by keeping this a secret. ‘I,’ Maura says softly, ‘I should have told her. This is my fault.’ Maura sits down hard on the edge of her desk, tears threatening to swell. 

‘What?’ Angela says in confusion, ‘no honey. You can’t think that way. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Except that bad detective. And maybe Janie’s.’ 

Maura’s head is beginning to swim. She needs to process this. To think it through. She’s certain she can logic her way through it, given some time and space. ‘I need to get to work,’ Maura says straightening, ‘Jane’s hasn’t taken her morning medication yet.’ 

‘Maura,’ Angela says, brown eyes watching as the smaller woman stands and hurries out of the room. Angela shakes her head and watches her go. Maura could be every bit as stubborn as Jane. She needed time to make up her own mind, find her own solution. Angela just hopes her solution isn’t suffering anymore in silence. Angela sighs and goes in search of her eldest. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wouldn't ordinarily start a new story before finishing Counterparts but this one is pouring outta me so I'm going with it. I had intended it to be a happy, sparkly thing, but you all know me... so here's some angst! I promise I'm still writing Counterparts. It's just... not coming easily. So yell at me, cheer me on, do your thing in the comments! Let me know that you want to read more! :) Love you all! <3


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